when the pizza guy came over today i was like “have a good day” and he said “dont tell me what to do” and i just stood there staring at him and then he’s like “lol i got that from drake and josh”
(Source: woofuckingjiho)
today at the park some guy broke his ankle and one of the people said “give him some lettuce” and everyone just stared at him for like 7 seconds until he said “I meant ice”
you know them moments when you look in the mirror and you think holy shit that’s me because for some reason it feels like the person you’re looking at in the mirror is an unfamiliar stranger and you begin thinking about how you’re a person on a planet in a solar system in a galaxy in a universe and for a few minutes you ponder the origin and the meaning of existence and then shrug and return to your computer
(Source: liripot)
anything over $10 is expensive
oh my god my dad just went out to walk the dog and he must have got halfway down the street and then he just came back and I was like “what’s the matter” and he just said really quietly “i forgot the dog” and my dog was just siTTING BY THE DOORSTEP WITH HIS LEASH ON LOOKING REALLY SAD kOMFGYOD
people asking me what kind of music i like is such a stressful experience
(Source: purgeahontas)
like 90% of the ocean remains unexplored and you’re telling me mermaids don’t exist smh
(Source: kormasutra)
my health teacher asked for different ways to prevent pregnancy and i said “do it in the butt” and i got extra credit because no one has ever said that before
(Source: carcinogenitals)
i love when flies rub their hands together thinking of ways to murder me
